• Imagine… all the money.
Lucky CrynAir employees at John Lennon Airport in Liverpool will now receive a bonus of £5 for each time they charge a customer for oversized baggage.
This rises to £10 if customers seem visibly upset, £20 if someone cries and a special £100 bonus if you get them to transfer their entire life savings to us. It's like wielding a magnifying glass over an ants nest on a summer's day. Enjoy!
• Beat Chavs and Carry On
Thousands of deliquents are filling the streets of London. They're terrorising old women, wrecking cars, burning buildings and stealing fried chicken, tracksuits and TVs. We need to do something about it.
What better way to show them we mean business by putting up a poster? It worked in the war, it'll work now. Print this - depleting your red ink cartridge is a small price to pay for order on the streets.
Beat Chavs and Carry On
• PAX MAN! Coming soon!
Cashing in on 'App Fever' we're launching our own completely original game called "PAX MAN"!
Control our very own O'Dreary as he goes around the plane, collecting surcharges from the passengers. Get balls and you can even eat the crew if they're not screwing people over for money as they should.
Get it now! Only €10 for your Nokia - it's much better than Angry Birds.
• Join us at CrynAir
Since you're reading this, you're probably a customer and chances are you're poor enough to want a job.
Due to the enormous profits we've raked in recently, we're offering some positions in our most important departments.
So, if you're able to design garish crap in Word or if you can make a spectacularly uninspiring website or if you apply your makeup with a spade, you could be just what we're looking for.
Designers, Web Designers and aspiring Cabin Crew - go to our Jobs page and read more.
• Free travel guides!
At CrynAir we're committed to sending you into the middle of nowhere, miles from the city you actually wanted to get to.
That's why we're now offering FREE travel guides to your favourite destinations!... Starting with Luton.
• Blog Standard
If you thought Twitter and Facebook was enough, we're now blogging on something called Tumblr as well.
Being one of those Internet fads that every prepubescent American seems to lap up, I doubt it'll have much relevance to any of you Europeans, but have a look anyway.
Do let me know if it's a waste of time though as I could be doing something far more constructive to get free press coverage instead. Like beating up small children or covering dolphins with oil.
• Toilet Trouble
Since introducing our revolutionary new charge for use of our toilets on flights, we've noticed some of our more frugal customers have been preparing themselves with incontinence pads, adult diapers and relieving themselves in the sick bags.
Thanks to our new PantsScan™ system, we'll be sure to weed you out; our stewards now have the right to forcibly remove your trousers to check for contraband soakables.
• Union City Blues
CrynAir employees: Jealous of well-off BA employees and their powerful union keeping them rich and fed with fresh swan on toast while you have to feed the kids Micro Chips and crispy pancakes?
Maybe you'd like your own union? E-mail email@example.com
• Free fights for all!
That's right, you asked for it. This is one service there's no surcharge for.
• Hotel compensation update for our whiny customers
Reversing our decision to not pay any compensation for stranded customers' hotel bills, we're announcing that we will give up to €100 back to any customers that claims.
To qualify, simply download and complete the 52 page PDF hidden on our website, send it back to us along with your signature in blood and pay a €120 credit card surcharge. You'll receive compensation some time next millennium.
Thank you for flying CrynAir, now shut up.
• Bugger OFT
The Office of Fair Trading have been on our case again, saying that our charges are unfair.
As Britain's Favourite Airline, obviously our customers are happy with the costs - and remember, you can avoid the charges completely when paying with rare Nepalese coins.
What makes CrynAir better than the competition?
Learn accents and languages!
Our multi-national cabin crew will be happy to assist taking money from you in a variety of ways. Can't understand them? Don't worry - their English is perfect when they're asking for money. You'll also learn all the latest swearwords when foreigners are told by our staff in loud English that they can't put their bag up there.
Bags of fun!
For your convenience, we want to make it easy for you to lift your bag in the overhead compartments, so your baggage can't exceed 10kg - more than enough for a shirt and a shoe! If you get to the airport and find that your bag exceeds that limit, you'll have the support of all the people queuing behind you as you take personal things out in order to get the weight down - then we only charge €35 to help put your bag in the baggage hold.
Convenience costs money. We say no!
You want somewhere to put your book? We've saved thousands putting no magazine holders on the chair in front of you. So what do you do? You read our magazine - It's full of useful adverts and information about out duty free goods!
Fun when you fly
Other airlines are so quiet and boring! With CrynAir, you'll have constant announcements about the duty free, the lottery scratch-card, gourmet foods and wines and then a fun little trumpet sound when we land earlier than you thought we would.